History

Okay, so a little bit of my history. I was always a chubby kid - I was even called "husky," which I think was a way of not saying fat. My little brother constantly told me I was fat and I think that really hurt my self esteem and probably made the whole situation worse. Any time I even went towards the kitchen (even to get a drink of water) my grandpa would say "fatty fatty 2 by 4, couldn't fit through the kitchen door." I never felt full. I've always been able to shovel food in and not feel full until I get to the point where my stomach actually hurts and I feel sick. I also LOVE food. I can't just take one bite and be satisfied, if I love something, I feel like I have to eat as much as I possibly can or else I'm not going to get the full experience of the food. The other problem is that I love almost everything - the exceptions are macaroni and cheese, alfredo and cheese cake. And the problem with these foods is that most people love them, so I've tried them every time they've been available in hopes that I will like them so I can share them with other people, but I have yet to find a mac and cheese that doesn't make me want to gag.
I have a vivid memory of myself at about 16 years old, sitting at the kitchen table with a box of graham crackers, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly. I ate about 3/4 of the box of graham crackers with peanut butter and jelly slathered on them. I'm pretty sure I stopped when the jelly ran out. The entire time my mom was trying to tell me to stop, but I couldn't - it felt too good. Afterwards I felt so sick, but there was nothing I could do about it. I'm lucky that I'm petrified of throwing up, or I'm sure I would have become bulimic.
So the funny part of all of this is that my mother eats like a bird, exercises everyday and tried her hardest to show me how to do all of that without being too pushy. I'm sure it just about killed her to watch me do that to myself. The more she tried to get me to exercise, the more I refused. Thank god for sports, or I don't think I would have ever gotten any activity on my own volition. I played team sports like softball and volleyball - the funny thing about these sports it that you don't really get that much exercise except in practice. I would have never chosen a sport like track or skiing, which would have forced me to exercise consistently. My mom tried her hardest to encourage healthy eating and activity, but I definitely never committed to it. The only time I can remember being a normal weight was when I started having stomach issues which caused me to constantly have diarrhea and I also started refereeing soccer (consistent running). I got down to 130 lbs and felt the best I have ever felt with my weight and self-esteem. All it took was to start dating a fat, lazy boyfriend for 2 1/2 years for me to become my heaviest yet. Since I had always been the fat girl, I felt like I had to lower my expectations in order to find a boyfriend. Well, I definitely accomplished that and it led to the complete destruction of my self-esteem and my heaviest weight.
Well, if anyone is reading this, I've probably completely bored you to death. So I'll try and expand the rest of this into my future blogs. I really hope that this hits home with some people, because I feel like I've turned a 180 at this point, and I hope that this can inspire someone out there to gain control of their life and their health.